When the Light

Read the description of the vid!

Please play this at my funeral, and the other songs I listed on FB. If I'm able to attend, I will appreciate it.

This is the song in question from my last blog.

Through God's Eyes

"You can't take anything with you, except the love. The love I have for you..."

When I try looking at people through God's eyes, this song by VAST comes to mind. I want this song played at my funeral. Everyone is so beautiful through His eyes, and when I allow myself to be open enough to have even the possibility to catch a glimpse of what He sees...it's an indescribable feeling.

The most beautiful woman I ever met was a few weeks ago while skating to work. We crossed paths on State St before reaching 18th, heading east on the left-hand side of the road. I can't admit to deliberately choosing to put God first that morning, but I was in a place that I cannot usually find when I am actually trying to. It's hard to describe. I wasn't thinking about it, I just experienced it. I was so excited that morning to be listening to music through my new headphones (which sound amazing) and excited to be able to do something that I enjoy so much and are able to use it to get me to a place that pays me enough to allow me to continue enjoying it some more.

This woman gave me the most genuine smile I have ever seen. I have no idea who she was, and by society's standards, her crooked teeth and "drug-like" appearance say that she is worthless and ugly. In the split-second or so that we shared a moment's eye-contact and smile, I saw a genuineness and pure loveliness that I have very rarely experienced before; almost like a wink from someone you are talking to let you know that you are included in the conversation and are the only two who know the meaning behind what was just said. It's a moment in time that only the two of you share, understand and comprehend. My only fear is that I was not able to give her a smile that expressed the same things she had given me.

The closest example I can think of to help better describe an experience like this was the day after Preview at Boise Bible College that I was allowed to participate in. I have never experienced the presence of God with a collective of people like that before, or since. It was, in simple terms, magical. I get to carry that feeling with me for the rest of my life.

While it's true that we cannot take anything with us when we die, I truly hope that I am able to convey the love I have for everyone around me and pray that they are able to take that love and use it to take them to places they never dreamed they could go.

The joy and sadness of music.

Why is it that wherever you are in life, there is music or there are artists that seem to follow you around like they wrote their songs just for you in your specific situations/worries/concerns/elations? I know what the answer is; it's just because we are looking for that connection to something, anything, to feel like we are not alone and so we hear what we want to hear within their music. Whatever the actual reason, I am glad that music exists and that I am able to create my own, as well as enjoy others' creations. Hopefully I do not go deaf or lose any fingers anytime soon!

The shadows are moving again, but...

The shadows are moving again, but I can't see them this time. They are not trying to show me their presence as they were a few months ago. Instead, they are carrying lanterns and offering another solution. One that actually makes sense. Terrifying, but understandable.

I dare not believe them, but I am intrigued - only interested in what God's part in all of this is. Is this the direction He is leading me to? If not, why does the answer seem so simple - a solution to suite the desires of everyone involved? I will not act upon desire alone...I am being called to a higher purpose than that...but what does all this mean?

It's the only solution that seems to make complete sense and would wrap everything up in a neat, tidy little bow. Or would it? There's something here that I am not seeing - like it's being hidden from me, yet I am continually drawn to it's ever promising prospects, despite how I personally feel about it.

It's been swell...

Oh, I have so much to write about, there is time, but not right now. I am hungry, thirsty and tired from a 12 hour day of finishing homework and the final exam for my math class...I don't think I've ever spent that much time on mathematics in one sitting before...I'm not even sure if I'm still here...I could just be dreaming, or just passed-out somewhere dreaming that I was working on math for this long...my assignments might still be due...only my final grade will tell.

I wasn't a straight-A student in High School (because I didn't apply myself), and I won't be in College (because I've already earned two B's), but I certainly aim to be, in spirit, if not on transcript. If I push myself beyond what I am comfortable with...then I know the growing and learning is continuing...and the calculator tantrums will occur farther and farther apart...yep. I did a good job, though. I actually learned things and pushed myself to try harder than any class I've taken so far...and pushed myself harder than any math class I've ever had before. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing, but I am so totally awesome, regardless. I only need a positive growth of 0.92% to get an A...but even if I don't, I'm pretty sure I'll still be standing at 89%. It's not great, but it is fantastic. Yes, you read that right. But! Now...the only math I want to see for a very long time is Bach. No more equations and NO MORE story problems!!! Rawr! Save your stories for English; English = Words, Math = Numbers, Art = Happy Little Trees! Okay, I'm getting the evil eye...I better go. Have fun and stay hidden!

Heartless: The Story of the Tin Man

Had to share this! What a great short.

Heartless: The Story of the Tin Man from Brandon McCormick on Vimeo.

LOOK AT YOURSELF AFTER WATCHING THIS.mp4

Quotes!

I often search the net for valuable or meaningful quotes given any situation. Last night I came up with a few of my own. They may not be 'professional' or 'good' or 'funny' or even 'enlightening' but it was a fun process! Here are a few:


"The greatest therapy I have experienced in my life, is arranging and manipulating musical notes together and then playing them in sequence. They tend to form a more coherent understand of one's circumstances. And, they don't have to be 'good', they just have to 'be'."

"Your fingers are sore? The best cure is to keep playing! Remember video game controller thumb? Yeah, neither do I...or, that Captain Crunch chewed up the roof of your mouth...?"
(If you know what I'm talking about on both these references, I want to give you a hug!)

"Oh...it's 3:00 in the morning? Should I stop playing?"

"They made violin cases for three reasons: 1) violins 2) semi-automatic weapons & 3) cat naps."

"I want to say, "Hi", to that violist over there, but, I don't speak Alto clef..."

"One of the greatest gifts from God is music. Even the Devil cannot compete with what is created from His children's souls."

"God gave me a lot of talent. He gave EVERYONE a lot of talent. Personally, I just have to listen to Him and figure out what He wants me to do with mine. What will you do with yours?"

"The violin is a very sexy instrument." (Complete quote below - Not for the faint of heart! You have been warned!)

"The violin is a very sexy instrument. What other instrument can...snapping your G-string, rosining your bow, counting your measures, plucking your strings, tuning your pegs, hitting your octave, staying in tune, never being sharp, never being flat, always being natural, making your chin rest comfortable, adjusting your shoulder rest, playing with the fingerboard, touching the belly, keeping your wrist aligned, strengthening your hand, strengthening your arm, minding your fingering, tightening your bow, playing with vibrato, crossing strings, double-stops, repeats, re-stringing your instrument, holding a fermata, breathing on a rest, feeling the beat, strumming, touching your scroll, adjusting the bridge, turning your fine-tuners, touching the tailpiece, and playing with your f-hole...sound so naughty?"


Where is your mind?


~Kris Van Pelt

What is yours? Mine is mine. Let's share!

I am feeling very philosophical this morning and I've been having a fantastic night talking out my thoughts with the walls and with God. It's a good morning to be alive. Here is just one of my conversations:

Can't figure out what your 'specialty' or 'gift' from God is? You know, the gifts that God has given you; the talent He has possessed in you for His purposes? Neither can I. I just go where I am lead and where I think I should go. And, unfortunately, most of the time, where I want to go. I know that God is leading me there, or, at the very least, waiting for me there. If my specialty is only in a smile to a friend or a stranger, then so be it. If it is only in listening to you when you are in need, then so be it. If it is only in following you to help support you with your desires, then so be it. If it is only in helping to lead you to calmer waters where we can be surrounded with peace, then so be it. If it is only in planting that seed, not sowing it, or even watching it grow, then so be it. It matters not what we want our gifts to be. It matters only what we do with what we already have and what we have already been given.

If you are reading this, then you have been, or are a part of my life (and always will be, truthfully) even if just for a little while. Know that your specialty is greater and grander than you and I will ever know. So is my own. Walk with me, talk with me, sing with me, dance with me, love with me, work with me, play with me, laugh with me, cry with me, pray with me. I love you. And so does He.

What will you do with what you have today? I can't say I know the answer, or that I will even be a good example for anyone to follow. But, I will endure, and I will succeed. I will follow His love and discover, someday soon, His plan for me.

Ritardando

I just realized that I've only done one post a month since I've started. Hmmm. My blog doesn't look like what I want it to look like...that's part of it. You could probably guess the other part. That's okay, though. I aim to post more frequently from now on. Well, off to work. It's been another interesting week among the embers. It's been a fantastic day playing music among the sparks!

Like I could shut off my mind if I wanted to...

Sitting at work tonight thinking. The television is on, a client is asleep on the couch in the living room, and the others are asleep in their respective rooms. I've been asked before why I like the fact that working the graveyard shift in a group home for mentally disabled adults is something I like sharing. I'm sure it's just a self-gratifying and selfish reason, but when I tell people (strangers mostly) what my job is, they are either afraid of it and don't know what to say, or they think highly of me. It's such a nice feeling after having worked jobs in retail and customer service over the phone. People with 'normal' circumstances are seemingly so easily forgetful of the blessings in their life. And, yes, I do include myself in that equation. While I don't blame people for being frustrated that the gas pumps are not pumping gas quickly enough for them, or frustrated that their television receivers are not working correctly, I do not miss the manner in which most people (not all) talked down to me or treated their television service as having higher priority than their own children.

I have had people tell me that I should get another job right away; I don't get paid enough for what I deal with and there is a greater risk of communicable diseases like MRSA and Heb B than with 'normal' jobs. I agree that the pay is pathetic for taking care of the well-being of six human souls while they sleep, but there are other perks that have kept me where I am, for the time being. I have gotten free medical care for TB and Hep B and have received free medical training, including CPR certification and a Facility Assistance with Medication certification that is good for the rest of my life in the state of Idaho. Not to mention that I am allowed to eat whatever is reasonable on my shifts, and that has drastically reduced the cost of my grocery bills. I also love being awake during the witching hour, although nothing significant ever happens even though the house I work at is supossedly haunted. I'm a night owl by nature (or maybe subconscience choice) and I love the nighttime better than the daytime, anyway. There's something about the dark that makes me feel at ease and safe, like a soft blanket enveloping, hiding and protecting me from the harsh openness of daylight. It makes the universe appear to feel smaller than it is, and helps me to put things in my life into perspective.  

There are several downsides to my job of course, too. Like the cost of gas getting to and from work each day, and feeling underappreciated, but, as it stands now, the pros are outweighing the cons.

One of the biggest lessons I've learned so far working here, is that it doesn't matter what your lot in life is; everyone has the same wants and needs. People just have different abilities on how to obtain them.       

When The Universe Tries to Get Your Attention...

I can still remember the dream as if it happened yesterday. This is the first dream I have ever died in and I can still remember how it felt when the blade of the knife pierced through my mouth and through the back of my throat, pinning me to closet door.

At least it wasn't as painful as I thought something like that would be, but there was a lot of blood and a lot of choking for air. I was still fully aware of my surroundings and aware of how deeply it felt to be powerless to do anything about it. Then, the blackness came.

In this dream, I was a bodyguard for a mob boss' daughter. We were in a house on the ground floor. I can still remember exactly what that house looked like and could even draw a picture of it. In fact, I think I will. I am still shaken up about the dream, even though it happened about five months ago, and maybe seeing it put down on paper will help me feel like I have some control or power over what happened.

I don't know the name of the girl I was protecting, but we were talking in the foyer/kitchen area. Suddenly, there was a knock at the back patio sliding glass doors. We knew something wasn't right so we took off to a small living area at the front of the house by the front door. I glanced at the back patio doors briefly before running with the girl into that room. There was a woman dressed in a UPS uniform with a package. The blinds on the back doors were shut and so I only got a glimpse of the woman as she was trying to peek in.

I have no idea why we thought hiding in that open room was best option, but I think it had something to do with the element of surprise. There was silence for a beat and then I heard the sliding glass door beginning to open. Of course that door wasn't locked! Or was it? The woman in the UPS uniform called out to us that she had a package that was addressed to the girl. I don't remember if I said to just leave it outside or not. Then, there was silence. A long silence.

I did what horror movie characters should never do. I peeked my head around the corner of the wall and, almost as if it was in slow motion, I saw the kitchen knife flying through the air straight at me with the woman standing behind it in my line of vision. There was not enough time to act or move out of the way. The knife went through my mouth and throat and pinned me to the closet door. The girl I was sworn to protect tried to run. It was then that I blacked out, choking on my own blood.

My husband's phone rang at that moment and woke us both up. I think it was about 3:00 in the morning. His good friend, that he had known since Junior High, whom he also played music with, had called. My husband took the call into the living room and had about an hour long conversation. This didn't bother me except for the fact that my husband doesn't realize how loud he can talk, and kept me up for that hour. I wouldn't have cared too much, but I had to get up in about another hour to go to work. My husband talked about wanting to play and write music with his friend again, and that he would like to take a trip down to his friend's city to visit for about a week. Then I got to thinking:

Why would I have such a vivid dream like the one I had just had, it being the first dream I have ever experienced in which I actually died in? Was there a connection between the dream and the person who called? All signs were pointing to yes. Since music is the number one priority in my husband's life, and his music buddy called out of the blue at a random hour, what was the Universe trying to tell me? To my dismay, the Universe was letting me know that my husband's views (whether he knows them or not) about his music and myself could not co-exist. This leads me to believe that my husband feels deep down that I will either be in the way, get in the way or hold him back somehow with his dreams in where he wants to go with his music.

This is when everything that has lead up to this moment, really started to heat up.